A Boy’s Guide to Surviving a Tolo Dance

As far as I can tell, there are two groups of boys in high school: those who are comfortable with girls and those who are terrified of them. I personally, though not being afraid of girls, was still of the elementary school mindset that they were icky. As far as I was concerned, life in high school would have been far less stressful without two of the annual school sanctioned activities: Prom and Tolo.

Now Prom was easy for boys like me to avoid. We just didn’t invite a girl to the dance. This of course left many sad young ladies sitting at home wondering why they hadn’t been asked.

My mother, who for some reason sided with the ladies, made it an annual irritation by asking me a month ahead of time, “Have you asked a girl to the Prom yet? Girls like to be asked, you know.”

“No mom! I’m not renting a tux. I’m not buying a nosegay. I’m not making reservations at a restaurant. I’m not going to the dance and no, I have not asked a girl to Prom!”

She asked me this all five years of my high school life. Each time, I could hear dad sitting on the couch with his head buried in the newspaper snorting with laughter. I could never tell which one of us he was laughing at.

Had the school only scheduled a Prom, life would have been easy, but for some sinister reason, and I am assuming the Mat Maids petitioned the women counselors for support, they were able to convince the school to also hold a Tolo Dance.

I now know how deer and ducks feel in the month of October, “Ok guys. All we have to do for the next three weeks is stay out of sight of the hunters and avoid getting shot.” Tolo season was generally in January or early February and the three weeks prior to the dance were circled in red on all our calendars. For the girls, it was boy hunting season. For the boys, it was hiding season.

Now, what exactly is a Tolo? Top universities across the US have Mortar Board societies which are for the top scholarly women at the school. In 1910, the University of Washington called their Mortar Board group the “Tolo Club,” from the Chinook word for success and achievement. To raise money to help junior and senior women finish their degrees, the club started an event where the women would ask a man to the dance which they called “The Tolo.”

Over the years, the dance has been called many different names depending upon the school. In 1937, cartoonist Al Capp for his comic, Li’l Abner, created a character named Sadie Hawkins who apparently had a hard time finding a boyfriend. Her father, wanting to get her married off, created Sadie Hawkins Day in November. He would gather up all the eligible young men from the area and the unmarried women of Dogpatch got to chase the bachelors and marry the ones they caught. Many schools call their Tolo the Sadie Hawkins Dance although many consider it to be inappropriate.

So, each January it was open season for finding a date for the Tolo Dance. This required much creativity for me and my best friend Chuck to avoid being asked. Since there were only a few main doors into the school building which were checkpoint hall blockades or gauntlets manned by the women, we felt the easiest way to enter was with herd mentality . . . keeping our heads down and entering as a large mob of guys. This works amazingly well for the wildebeest crossing rivers infested with crocodiles. Only the weak get eaten. I remember the mournful cries of a lone straggler outside the pack who was pounced upon by four girls claiming him as their date. The three weeks prior to the dance brought out the best in a young man’s survival skills.

My one and only trip to the Tolo happened because of a tactic used by a young lady which I wasn’t expecting . . . a phone call. Sitting in the den watching TV and breathing easier because I had made it through the Tolo hunting season, I heard the phone ring. My mom answered it and a conversation ensued. I believe now that she was in cahoots with the caller. She swung the den door open and said to me, “Telephone for you. Be nice!”  And I was caught.

Now, for the first time Tolo boys who are reading this, let me offer some insights. First, you must find out what color of dress she is wearing because you are expected to buy her a nosegay. Had I known this, I would not have purchased the potted lavender shrub.

Second, just because she asked you to the dance doesn’t mean she is also picking you up. Don’t wait for a frantic phone call asking where you are. Also, if you don’t drive a car, remember that her dress will most likely get caught in the spokes on the back wheel of your bike.

Third, she picks the restaurant.  You may not enjoy the type of food that is served but there is certainly no reason to say, “What the heck is this slop?”

Fourth, if you have never been on a dance floor, consider watching what the other guys are doing and joining in. I found that I enjoyed the fast songs where I could try my patented dance step which I called the Marionette Doll. It was short-lived when she said, “Please don’t do that.”

And then came the dreaded slow dance. Here is a young lady who has waited for who knows how long for this night to happen and I am struck with terror. She wants me to put my arms around her and slowly dance on the center floor. For the first slow dance, I feigned a need to use the restroom but then the slow dance happened two more times. Sensing that she was disappointed and not getting her money’s worth, I reluctantly asked her if she would like to go onto the dance floor. There was after all a 50-50 chance that she wasn’t interested. She was interested.

Visualize that you are doing something different. In my case, I had experience swapping out hot water tanks, wrapping my arms tightly around the old tank and dragging it out of the garage and dragging the new one back into position. The only real difference was that this hot water tank smelled of perfume, had a soft back and yelled every time I stepped on her feet.

Finishing off the evening can again be an awkward moment as you pull into her driveway. Never lean across her, pushing open her door and say, “See yah.” Also, never spray gravel when you are driving away. Instead, get out of the car and open her door, or at least offer to help her get her dress untangled from your bike spokes again. Walk her to her front door and then . . .  Then what? Oh Cripes! I had no book of Robert’s Rules of Order or Miss Jenny’s Book of Dating Etiquette. Is a small kiss what she is expecting from this evening? I stared into her eyes as a bead of sweat trickled down my forehead and leaned in as the front door swung open and there stood her dad.

“Hey!” he shouts.

I reach out and grab her right hand and shake it. “Well, thanks for the invitation,” I say. I look at her dad who smiles and winks at me.

The final element of the Tolo Dance: where the dad jumps in and saves the poor traumatized boy. The dad who also as a boy going to Tolo had some other dad save him. It’s in the Dad’s Tolo Manual. Look it up. I did the same thing for the boy my daughter asked to Tolo.

Look, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being asked to a Tolo, assuming of course you have had the proper cooties shot. I notice that these days, the invitation to Prom or Tolo involves elaborate signage with balloons or a barbershop quartet, also with balloons. At least Al Capp’s idea never caught on. I can imagine having one day in November called, “The Running of the Grooms.”

(Title Photo from the 1971 BHS Shuksan Year Book)

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