Four men stood facing the wall shoulder to shoulder. They looked very unsure of themselves. Two others had decided to sit this dance out. It was called the Line Dance on the High Seas.
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Dance of the High Seas
Tag: Snips
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From the Incandescent Light
Though all is dark, from the incandescent light I sense longing and desires I have not felt for a while.
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Dunderheads in the Neighborhood
“And we are back.”
“Tonight on our segment, ‘DUNDERHEADS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD’ we ask the question, ‘Is it possible for a man to wash a whole package of Kleenex in a load of wash and if so, what are the consequences? For an answer to this, let’s go to our man on the street, Eine Parodie.”
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The Wish List
When my wife was away I took it upon myself to snoop in her private file cabinet. Going past the files on nutritional eating, aerobics, and personal training, I came across a file named “Wish List.” This piqued my curiosity and upon thumbing through various photos torn from the pages of Better Homes and Gardens, I came across a list, hand-written on a page of notebook paper. It looked like her criteria for a husband.
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Choices
Isaac Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
I have been known to be a grouch at times, maybe even a curmudgeon or as my kids likes to call me, Debbie Downer. I tend to pessimistically see the glass as half empty.
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As I Lay Under the Stars
As I lay on my back under the stars I wonder, “Is that the Aurora Borealis or is my headache causing my vision to shift?”
As I lay on my back under the stars I wonder, “Is that the space station or a really, really, really high jet and if I had a flashlight could it see my twinkling light shining up at it?”
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The Duffer
My wife says I drive a duffer car. It’s a 2005 Hyundai XG350 which I bought from my stepdad and it’s not at all sporty like the cars young kids drive but who cares, I’m 65. I think she just gets cranky when she follows me in her sporty Prius C and the whole way I am driving 5 mph under the speed limit with my left turn signal on.
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Patent Idea #295- Reject
This was the scene last Saturday morning. I was lying in the middle of the Guide Meridian, motorcycle helmet and protective coveralls on. Slowly I was able to get up on my hands and knees and crawl back over to the side walk.
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Things Never to Do: #1 & #2
Never, never, ever use Rogaine ™ that has gone beyond its expiration date.
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Chair Lifts
Snow skiing ranks quite high on my list of humiliations and though, through the years I have impressed others with an innate ability to humiliate myself continuously on the ski slopes, last year’s little incident which I call, “the getting to know you ride,” sums up my life on the slopes.
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The Fallout Team
Actually the idea should have worked. The premise was this: “The Fall Out Team”, namely Neutron (me), Atom (Myron Voth), Proton (John Zylstra), and Electron (Rex Ely) were highlighted as possibly showing up at a high school rally of 800 kids in the Seattle area.
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Circus Boy
When moms have their first born child they tend to want to try out every thing they learned in High School home economics class. In my case, how to sew a circus jacket. All I really wanted to do was to run around the yard and chase the cat with a stick. So we struck up a bargain; if she could sew me suits, I could chase that cat around the yard with a stick. This agreement continued up until I graduated from high school.
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The Hawk and the Toupee
And so you see, this is what happens when you are singing, “The hills are alive with the sound of music” and a hawk swoops down and grabs your toupee.
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The Lineage
Being intrigued by the constant barrage of late night TV ads which challenge you to find your lineage, I signed up with Ancestory.com and traced my family back to medieval times in ancient Britain. Knowing for sure that I must be a descendant of King Arthur or Sir Lancelot, I was sorely disappointed to learn that my oldest relative on record was an extremely colorblind and nearsighted foot soldier named Larry who accidentally chopped up seven of his own fellow warriors in battle before being reminded that the Vikings were the ones coming to shore from off of the boats. O well. He wasn’t a bad looking dude though.
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Liars
Last night my grand dog Milton Barry and I were sitting on the living room couch telling stories. He starts telling me how he fought in the great Dog and Cat War of the 1950s. I know he’s lying because he can’t possibly be that old but I let him ramble on and I try to keep a straight face because I know that out of courtesy he listens to my lies too.