Mitchell Methane Arrestor: Prototype # 217

I was rummaging through what my wife calls the “sentimental junk” in my tool shed when I came across a rather large box labeled “Patents”.  You see, in my quest to make the world a better place, I have patented, patent searched, and copyrighted treasures sure to impress my relatives for centuries. I call it a hobby.

I have pulled from the box one of my prize inventions: “The Mitchell Methane Arrestor.” Now I don’t want to give away too many trade secrets, but it consists of a plywood box I made which holds a used vacuum cleaner motor which I purchased from Rector’s Vacuum Cleaner Store. Also, in the wooden box are mounted two carbon filters which the exhaust air flows through.

The intake of the box draws air through two clear plastic tubes which were attached to a toilet seat in which I had routered and countersunk a hose with intake nozzles. Hence, when mounted to the toilet and turned on, the vacuum drew air from the toilet bowl into the box through the carbon filters and pushed it back into the room again. Totally stink free. This was sure to make me a million bucks!

And so, it was Christmas time in 1976 and with the idea in mind, I set out to make my dad the best Christmas present he had ever received. Sure enough, on Christmas morning I could barely breathe because of my contained excitement as he opened his very large Christmas wrapped box. I could tell he was stunned by my creativity as he stared blankly into the box at the prototype inside. It only took me a mere 40 to 50 minutes of repeating over and over what it was and how it worked that he actually said, “Thanks.”

The difficult part was trying to convince him to remove the pink sponge rubber toilet seat currently in the bathroom and let me mount the “Mitchell Methane Arrestor.” Luckily, mom always seemed to come to the rescue and she talked dad into relenting by saying to him, “Paul, what could go wrong?”

It was Christmas afternoon, and I had the methane arrestor attached to the main floor toilet. Dad, whom I nicknamed “The Porcelain Pilot,” became the first man in history to use my invention.

He went into the bathroom by himself. The rest of the family gathered around outside the door to cheer him on. Dad, being a professional pilot and himself a kidder, yelled “Clear!” which is a warning pilots yell just before starting an airplane engine. Then to our excitement he pushed on the power button and the machine roared to life.

I knew dad thought it was a good invention because he came out of the bathroom with a smile on his face and with a pat on my back he said, “It works”. I didn’t expect him to bring his friends from work over to see it and try it out. That is when you know your idea is good.

The Mitchell Methane Arrestor never made it past the patent search phase because of four minor flaws which the patent attorney suggested might get me sued:

1: Methane is of course flammable and tends to explode when blown past a sparking motor.

2: Hearing protection was required since having the methane arrestor beside the toilet was like sitting next to the engine of a Lear Jet at full throttle.

3: The vacuum worked so well that the machine needed to be shut off to remove the suction so you could get off the seat.

4: In the event that you stayed on the seat too long, you were left with a rather large mark resembling a hickey which is hard to explain in the locker room at the YMCA.

And that is why the Mitchell Methane Arrestor is in a box in my shed and not on Wal-Mart store shelves across the USA. 

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