Babies

You know, a lot of young newlywed guys come up to me and say, “Hey Mard, you’re incredibly old and wise. (They got it half right) Can you give us your observations on having babies?”

Well, I’ve had to do some real soul searching. What can I tell these boys that are valuable insights for the next phase of their lives and marriage? Mind you, I tried to think of suggestions that they haven’t heard a hundred times before. So, these tidbits happened in my experiences of being a new father. Let’s start at the beginning.

I found that Lamaze controlled breathing, and the chorus of the 1958 song, “Witch Doctor”, by David Seville, sounded almost identical when I was coaching my wife in the labor room. It is also important to keep humorous comments to a minimum during labor. Being in the ER while your wife is in the maternity ward can become expensive.

Newborn babies are a lot like the rolled, wrapped, and boxed Costco memory foam mattresses. It usually takes them around two hours to fully inflate. Don’t worry, your child isn’t Gollum.

After using a baby wipe to clean your child, always, always, immediately throw it in the garbage. The longer you hold on to it, the more likely you are to accidentally blow your nose with it. It is perfectly acceptable to clean the yellow poo from the baby’s bottom by laying her on the lawn and flooding the area with a garden hose. Acceptable of course until your wife gets home.

I put my daughter on a baby changing table at McDonald’s.  I waited 20 minutes. She was still a baby. I don’t know what I was expecting but it didn’t work.

It is possible for a big smell to come from a little body. After all, skunks and babies are about the same size.

Bottle-, breast-, or spoon-fed babies all tend to spit up if you lift them over your head.

Allowing the baby to sleep in-between mom and dad to keep her from crying, only means that eventually you will be moving to the baby’s room.

The baby’s first words are, “ma-ma” . . . regardless of what you heard.

Letting babies eat by themselves in a highchair makes absolutely no sense to me. It’s like giving the enemy high ground. The arc radius of food on the floor means more work for dad. So, while mom is away, I set the baby on the floor next to the wall, propped between two discardable pillows and I put a TV tray on her lap.

Having a house dog and a baby at the same time works out nicely for never having to clean the kitchen floor, the baby’s hands, or her face. I’ve noticed that out of courtesy, the dog allows the crawling baby to eat out of his bowl also.

I know that what started out as one bite for you and one bite for me turned into a full-blown addiction to Gerber’s Mango, Apple, and Banana Puree. Oh, and don’t let people give you that condescending look like they’ve never attended a Gerber’s Anonymous Meeting.

Although a little boy without a diaper is like a lawn sprinkler accidentally going off, a little girl without a diaper is like forgetting to put a mug in your Keurig while it makes coffee.

And finally. We got rid of the annoying baby monitor and placed the crib under the noise and motion sensor. For the amount I paid each month, I figured the alarm company could call if the baby woke up.

The important thing to remember guys, is there is no right or wrong way to raise a baby, so improvise. After all, it is possible that Rube Goldberg created his elaborate cartooned machines solely to help him deal with being a father.

• Title photo baby: Kalene Elizabeth Mitchell

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