The Other Person in Me

Cheryl and I had just finished eating lunch after church. As we were leaving the café I blurted out, “I think we should go buy you a new purse!”

“You want to buy me a new purse?” she asked, questioning the unusual statement I had just made.

“What?” I spoke. (Did that just come out of my mouth?)

And so, we went to the boutiques section of town and bought a $75.00 purse.

I am just glad I hadn’t blurted out, “new car.”

I do not know if this is common to everyone, but there seems to be two of me. The “outside me,” which I have refined to be what I want people to see and think of me, and the other me which is hidden on the inside. The “inside me” is not far under the surface and occasionally pops out, at which time, like Whack-A-Mole at the fair, the “outside me” pounds it back under the surface.

Let me give you some examples: Emotion. Reading a eulogy at a funeral, I stand in front of the mourners as “Outside Marty.”

In a strong voice, with confidence, I read the prepared material, but I can feel “Inside Marty” wanting to surface. I stop, take a deep breath, and pound him back into submission.

As I continue reading, “Inside Marty” refuses to be pushed around and again makes a run for the surface. My voice cracks. “Outside Marty” is unable to control him, and he breaks through the surface. I tear up and cannot speak.

“Darn you Inside Marty!” After a moment, “Outside Marty” is able to grab him by the throat and shove him back inside. “Inside Marty” allows him to finish.

“Inside Marty” is also protective and has a temper. He can be very much like the Hulk. Confrontation can bring him out to face what “Outside Marty” will not.  I also do not know at what point he will make the jump, and when he does — look out. “Outside Marty” at that point can only throw up his hands because there is no stopping “Inside Marty” until he decides he wants to go back on his own. This leaves “Outside Marty” with considerable collateral damage to repair when “Inside” is done.

I have also noticed that phases in life cause the “Outside Person” to become weaker and unable to control the “Inside.” Alzheimer’s and dementia give “Inside” easy access to the surface making the “Outside” weak and sometimes unrecognizable.

It is not uncommon to visit a friend in a care facility who, for as long as you have known them, has had a pure heart and a clean mouth. Brain disease has opened the door wide for the “Inside Person” to run free. Imagine your sweet old grandmother, suddenly filled with anger and spewing out words that would make a street thug blush. I have also heard of men of high respect in memory care facilities who the aides find in the beds of female residents. Something their “Outside Person” would never consider doing but can now not control anymore.

When I was younger, “Outside Marty” bought “Sorry” cards in bulk because “Inside Marty” would randomly jump out and say or do something which hurt someone else. Luckily, through the years, “Inside Marty” has been changed to be a new creation and not so unable to control.

Now “Inside Marty” looks at his wife and blurts out, “You’re beautiful. I love you.” She blushes because she thinks “Outside Marty” said it. And that is fine, I let “Inside Marty” get away with that stuff. Although . . . we still must come to an agreement on when he can offer to buy her new fashion accessories.

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