Tag: Getting Older

Hats

I have the same routine every morning, as does my wife. She puts conditioner in her thick platinum blonde hair, fluffing the back and adjusting the curls in the front. Sometimes it can take her ten minutes. In contrast, I slap Lectric Shave on my face and head, sit on the edge of the bathtub with my Norelco battery powered razor in hand and in three minutes have my whole head shaved clean. It is not uncommon, on groggy mornings, for me to unconsciously remove an eyebrow or two also.

Tags Getting Older, Misadventures, Pets or Pests?

Satire Stories

E-bikes and Earbuds

Batteries locked in place, head and taillights charged, gloves worn, Bluetooth Sena helmets working and communicating, earbuds in, bladders empty — and the Mitchells are ready for an e-bike ride.

Tags Family Life, Getting Older

Satire Stories

The Weak Get Eaten

When I came back from my shower, my wife Cheryl was in her cot reading a paperback novel. It was late in the evening and still hot for a Kenyan spring. Our sleeping arrangement for the night was a five-foot-high cinder block wall bedroom with a canvas tent roof.

Tags Getting Older, Pets or Pests?

Satire Stories

Nancy

“Mr. Mitchell,” came a soft voice behind me.

“What is it Cam,” I whispered.

We were in a movie theater. I had taken the middle school boys from the church as a reward for their achievements during the year. Cam was sitting in the theater seat directly behind me.

Tags Getting Older, Misadventures

Satire Stories

The 23rd Chromosome

It came as no surprise to me when I Googled the question, “Which side of the family does the color blindness gene pass,” that the answer was, “The back side.”

Tags Family Life, Getting Older, Growing Up

Satire Stories

Babies

You know, a lot of young newlywed guys come up to me and say, “Hey Mard, you’re incredibly old and wise. (They got it half right) Can you give us your observations on having babies?”

Tags Family Life, Getting Older

Satire Stories

Track 4362

Track 4362 is a mainline section of railroad track owned by the BNSF Railroad which runs inside the southern perimeter of the aluminum smelter I worked at for 34 years. It ran a little over a quarter mile to the cast house where flat cars and box cars were loaded with aluminum for shipping to customers. Joining track 4362 were many side spurs which allowed railcars to be moved to other areas of the plant also.

Tags Getting Older, Growing Up, Misadventures

Inspirational Stories

I Knew a Man

I knew a man named Bud. He was one of my scout masters. Bud was average height and build. He had little hair left on his head and what he did have, he combed over his bald scalp. Bud also had a glass eye. How he lost his eye, I do not remember, but some nights as we sat around the campfire, he would pop it into his hand just to gross us boys out.

Tags Getting Older, Growing Up, Tributes

Inspirational Stories

66 to 0 in One Day

It was a resounding crash. Life would not be the same. Not by my own choice, I became retired.

Tags Getting Older

Satire Stories

E-Biking Mt. Erie

They were the best of mimes; they were the worst of mimes. Having seen enough, we decided to leave the Arts Festival and go on a bike ride.

My wife Cheryl, and I had just purchased E-bikes — Aventon bikes to be exact. Since having recently retired, we were using every opportunity possible to ride 15-to-35-mile day trips. Out of Anacortes, Washington we had taken ferries to ride Guemes, San Juan, and Lopez Islands. These were all nice day rides capable of being done without exhausting the batteries.

Tags Family Life, Getting Older, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Point Taken

Pound, pound, pound, double pound!

I was taking direct hits to the jaw with what felt like a ball-peen hammer. I rocked back and forth on the bed to avoid the pain but there was no getting rid of it. Quietly climbing out of bed so as not to wake my wife, I went to the kitchen. There I took 3 Aleve and waited. The Aleve did nothing. Next, I found that by filling my mouth with warm salt water and sloshing it back and forth, the pain would subside only to return when it was spit back into the sink.

Tags Getting Older, Misadventures

Satire Stories

The Rushing Mighty Wind

It was the sound of a rushing mighty wind.

“What was that?” I asked my wife Cheryl.

“That,” she answered, “was your youth being torn away by a twister and your body being thrown somewhere into old age.”

Tags Family Life, Getting Older

Satire Stories

The Wish List

When my wife was away I took it upon myself to snoop in her private file cabinet. Going past the files on nutritional eating, aerobics, and personal training, I came across a file named “Wish List.” This piqued my curiosity and upon thumbing through various photos torn from the pages of Better Homes and Gardens, I came across a list, hand-written on a page of notebook paper. It looked like her criteria for a husband.

Tags Getting Older, Snips

Satire Stories

Fat Fingers

My wife and I have the same crossword puzzle app on our phones. Each day they send a new puzzle and it’s the same for everyone who has the app. At dinner, we both load the puzzle on our phones and have a race to see who can finish it first. In the two years that we’ve been competing, I can count on one hand, (which is missing a few fingers), the number of times I have beaten her.

Tags Family Life, Getting Older, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Raindrops

My daughter Kalene and I were sitting on the back deck at the picnic table under the open patio umbrella. The rain had started to fall as we watched robins in the yard pulling worms from the grass.

Tags Family Life, Getting Older, Misadventures