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Satire Stories

Going Solo

Going solo can either be a moment of triumph or of terror. It all depends on how prepared you are when it happens.

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Satire Stories

The Paperboy

My saddle bags were full as I rode slowly down the graveled lane. Beneath me I could hear the ever-present clip, clip, clip, clip. The old girl was due for a check-up.

This was the area of the ambushes. They were happening almost daily now. I lowered my hand and felt the cold steel of my gun butt. It gave me little confidence.

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Satire Stories

No Name City

My wife Cheryl is fond of saying, “Why do movie and television screenwriters put out so many clever plots for burglaries? Don’t they realize they are feeding criminal minds, ideas for robberies which they wouldn’t have thought up on their own?”

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Satire Stories

Terrorizing Terrell

In the evolution from growing out of my teens, I heard the haunted luring call of Larry, the spirit of manly outdoor men. He insisted that I get out of my slippers and bathrobe and seek pioneering adventure. I believe Larry was calling me because only my mom and my sister were also in the house and they had heard nothing, although my Cockapoo dog, Tinker, did raise an ear and look around the room.

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Satire Stories

Barking Vapors

My daughter, Kalene, got me started walking the Hovander Dog Park. It follows the dike of the Nooksack River as it flows through Ferndale. I have lived in Ferndale for 37 years and have visited the large Hovander farm off and on but never walked the dog area until her dog, Milton Barry, came into my life.

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Satire Stories

When Santa Refused To Fly

Ho, Ho, No. You ain’t getting me into that thing! And with that, Santa left his sleigh and drove off in his car.

Dad and I stared at each other. “Huh,” he said. “I guess we go with plan B.”

It was the yearly tradition in Whatcom and Skagit counties of The Santa flights.

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Satire Stories

88 Keys to Idlesome Folly

The piano melodies of Bach, Chopin, Beethoven, and Brahms echoed around the walls of my small room. Occasionally, my mother would sing an opera or classical favorite from the 1940s while accompanying herself on the piano.

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Satire Stories

A Boy’s Guide to Surviving a Tolo Dance

As far as I can tell, there are two groups of boys in high school: those who are comfortable with girls and those who are terrified of them. I personally, though not being afraid of girls, was still of the elementary school mindset that they were icky. As far as I was concerned, life in high school would have been far less stressful without two of the annual school sanctioned activities: Prom and Tolo.

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Satire Stories

Track 4362

Track 4362 is a mainline section of railroad track owned by the BNSF Railroad which runs inside the southern perimeter of the aluminum smelter I worked at for 34 years. It ran a little over a quarter mile to the cast house where flat cars and box cars were loaded with aluminum for shipping to customers. Joining track 4362 were many side spurs which allowed railcars to be moved to other areas of the plant also.

Categories
Inspirational Stories

I Knew a Man

I knew a man named Bud. He was one of my scout masters. Bud was average height and build. He had little hair left on his head and what he did have, he combed over his bald scalp. Bud also had a glass eye. How he lost his eye, I do not remember, but some nights as we sat around the campfire, he would pop it into his hand just to gross us boys out.

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Satire Stories

The Ten Commandments of Downhill Skiing

Thou shalt not sit down on T- Bars

For you first time users, T-Bars like rope tows are a means of pulling you to the top of the hill. You must first stand in an interminable line of skiers watching the skiers at the head of the line move into position where the attendant slaps them on the rear end with a T-bar as it comes around. To the first-timer watching the process, it all seems very straight forward. The cable with the T-bar comes around the bullwheel, the attendant slaps you in the hips with the bar and up the hill you go. What you may not know is that the T-bar cable is on a retractable reel and must feed all the way out before it catches and starts pulling you up the slope. It came as a bit of a surprise to me, a first-timer, when I skied into position. I felt the attendant slap my hips with the bar, which I assumed I could sit on.  The result was a rather unglamorous flop onto my back in the snow as the cable continued to feed out of the retractable reel. Then, when the full length of cable had retracted, the T-bar shot up the hill, raking down the back of my legs, slapping the skis off my boots and causing raucous laughter from the interminable line of skiers behind me.

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Satire Stories

Something Forgotten

Authors Note: Many years ago, I wrote the music for Something Forgotten which was produced in a studio and performed live in the theater. The music had no story or lyrics. Finally, after many years, I present the story. You may enjoy playing the song as you read the story.

Categories
Satire Stories

Screech Owls

Sometimes the best laid plans work too well.

The Screech Owl- Scientific name: Megascops asio. We had many of these smaller owls in our neighborhood. The first 30 years of my life I lived in a house close to the main railroad tracks which stretched from Vancouver, B.C. down the west coast of the United States. We had so many trains travel by daily that we didn’t even notice the noise anymore. The tracks followed the top of a cliff which dropped 100+ feet down to Bellingham Bay. The sides of the cliff had layers of sand and clay. During the summer months, the Angel boys across the street (Craig and Doug) and my brother and I would spend endless hours climbing the cliffs, jumping from the cliffs, and using trails on the cliffs as the shortest distance to travel to explore the beach itself.

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Satire Stories

The Fallout Team

Actually the idea should have worked. The premise was this: “The Fall Out Team”, namely Neutron (me), Atom (Myron Voth), Proton (John Zylstra), and Electron (Rex Ely) were highlighted as possibly showing up at a high school rally of 800 kids in the Seattle area.

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Satire Stories

Circus Boy

When moms have their first born child they tend to want to try out every thing they learned in High School home economics class. In my case, how to sew a circus jacket. All I really wanted to do was to run around the yard and chase the cat with a stick. So we struck up a bargain; if she could sew me suits, I could chase that cat around the yard with a stick. This agreement continued up until I graduated from high school.