Avatars

“Okay Mr. Mitchell, step right over here and I will lower the screen.”

“Thank you, L-A,” I said while trying figure out the name on her badge.

“It’s pronounced, Ladasha,” she corrected, like I didn’t know anything.

L-A was a Walgreens employee who worked in the photo department. I’m not sure how old she was but with her dyed hair, tattoos, and studs, I figured her to be around twenty. Her face was bright red from freckles, and she stood no more than 4’6″.

She used a hook on a rod to grab the screen and pull it down from the ceiling to the floor.

“Stand in front of the screen please while I grab the camera.”

I moved in front of the screen and turned to watch a woman push a shopping cart past me. In the baby seat was a two-year-old boy who already had a bag of corn chips open and was shoveling them into his face while at the same time leaving a trail down the aisle. This would have required L-A to make a speaker call of “clean up on aisle 7″ had it not been for the service dog following close behind and eating them up.

“Sheesh!” I mumbled as I watched them disappear.

“Okay Mr. Mitchell.” L-A stepped in front of me with a digital camera in hand. “You are really tall. Let me see what kind of a shot I can get.” She aimed and took a picture.

“No, nope. This isn’t going to work. At this angle I’m shooting right up your nose. It’s like you have a two-car garage attached to your face. I tell you what; could you squat down a little? More, more.”

I was now almost sitting on my heels.

“That’s good. Hold it. Smile.”

“Criminy, L-A! I’m 67 years old. Any more holding it and I am going to end up on my back.”

“Okay Mr. Mitchell, you can stand up again. I will just be stepping over to the computer to process this photo for you.”

She took the SD card out of the camera and slid it into the docking slot.

“Okay. This is nice. Now let me show you how I can enhance the photo to give you options.”

She hit several keys and clicked the mouse.

“Now, here you are as an Avatar.”

I leaned in over her shoulder to look.

“What? No! I don’t want that. I don’t want to look cartoony. Come on!”

“Okay, Mr. Mitchell. How about this?” There were a few more keyboard and mouse clicks.

“Nope!”

“This?”

“Well, you’re getting closer but, come on L-A! How am I going to use one of these photos on my passport?”

“Well, Mr. Mitchell. You said nothing about wanting a passport photo. They have different standards. Step in front of the screen please. Remove your glasses first please. You know that you cannot stand upright Mr. Mitchell unless you want a passport photo with a garage on your face. Scooch down. Lower, lower. Now stop! Wipe that smile off your face Mr. Mitchell, and I heard that. By the way, we sell incontinence briefs in aisle 6. The passport office will not accept a smiling headshot although you can remain with your eyes crossed if you choose. Got it. You can stand up now while I process this.”

After crawling on my hands and knees over to a nearby gift card display, I was once again able to pull myself into a standing position.

“Okay Mr. Mitchell. I’m just brightening the background and it should be ready to go.”

With a couple of clicks she yelled, “Ta, da. Take a look.”

I walked behind her and looked on the screen.

“Yikes! That is going to be my passport photo for the next ten years?”

“I’ll take the Avatar.”

“Yes sir, Mr. Mitchell. One Avatar coming right up.”

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