Category: Satire Stories

The Wind Beneath My Feet

Audio Version by ElevenLabs.io.

From the laundry room came a piercing scream … “My delicate underwear is completely tangled with your Velcro helmet liner! How many times have I told you…”?

I tried calming the situation by assuring her, “Don’t worry dear, good commercial grade Velcro is hard to damage.”

I was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast as Cheryl entered with a large ball of fabric just taken from the dryer. I could tell by the look on her face that I would be buying new underwear when suddenly she looked out the back window and realized she had left the porch umbrella up all night.

“Oh crumb! Look at the umbrella rocking back and forth in the wind. I’d better go out there and collapse it before it gets torn to shreds.”

Tags Family Life, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Going Off Half-Cocked

Audio Version by ElevenLabs.io.

“Don’t go off half-cocked!”

Have you ever wondered what that means?

Elwood K was the old man who lived in a small self-made home behind our house when I was growing up. I never had a grandpa after I was four so I adopted him. Everyone knew him as “Swede” which was interesting since the name is Scottish and English. He was known by the white Popeye cap he always wore. His house was full of them. Taking his lead, I wear a black Army Ranger cap which my house is also full of.

Swede was fond of four things: guns, Canadian Mist whiskey, both of which he had hidden all over his house, his yellow half ton Dodge Ram pickup and his mutt dog Digger Odell. Several times a week you could see his old Dodge driving ten miles under the speed limit using both sides of the road. Old Swede was returning from a trip to the liquor store to get his “medicine”. On the seat beside him would sit Digger, head and tongue hanging out the open window. Sometimes Digger was the designated passenger and sometimes he was the designated driver; it all depended on how Swede was feeling.

Tags Getting Older, Growing Up, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Captain Crash

Audio Version by ElevenLabs.io.

It was a time after the Vietnam War but before Operation Eagle Claw, a failed attempt by Delta Force to end the Iran hostage crisis. The years 1974 through 1978 when the average American thought the wars were over, but wars are never over. It was a time that at an undisclosed, seemingly insignificant spot in Washington I was trained to fly high risk helicopter missions and was considered by the US Government to have a license to kill. And though, some 40 years later I can now talk about it, it still haunts me of the death and destruction I caused.

Tags Growing Up, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Snow Skiing-In Order of Humiliations

Post author By Marty Mitchell
Post date March 2, 2024
3 Comments on Snow Skiing-In Order of Humiliations

I was just out in my tool shed looking through some old cottage cheese containers which I use to hold nails, nuts, washers, bolts, and screws etc. I learned of this storage technique from the old man who lived behind me named Swede. He was a course speaking old man with a temper, but I was the only person he had for a son, so he put up with me. Swede taught me many things about hunting, fishing, bee keeping, and gardening, and he kept every spare nut, bolt, and washer in cottage cheese containers in his shed. I inherited them when he died. My only complaint was that he never would wash out the containers before he would fill them with stuff and today, I am trying to find one 3/8-16 x 3.5” bolt as I hold my breath while rummaging through one rancid cottage cheese container after another.

Tags Family Life, Growing Up, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Beak and Bill

Beak and Bill sat on the end of a dock at Lake Padden. The morning was cool, and a light fog drifted across the surface of the water.

The two met every morning during fishing season and sometimes out of season. It was not only a place to catch fish and banter the latest gossip, but it was also a place to sit quietly to let one’s mind drift before the busyness of the day began.

Tags Pets or Pests?

Satire Stories

For a Few Badges More

Audio Version by ElevenLabs.io.

The time in history was the late 1800s. The place was the Wild West. A murderous outlaw known as El Indio has broken free from prison by killing his guards; and his gang is terrorizing and robbing the citizens of the region. With a price on El Indio’s head, two bounty hunters, Monco (Clint Eastwood) and Colonel Douglas Mortimer (Lee Van Cleef), come to collect the prize. Though the two men view each other as rivals, they eventually agree to become partners in their mutual pursuit of the vicious criminal.

Tags Growing Up

Satire Stories

Me and the Other Rat

I met a man sitting on a sidewalk bench in Lynden the other day. He had a heavy Chicago Bears sweatshirt on, and it was obvious to me that he wasn’t a local.

I had a nudge from my inner self to say “hi”. He was a nice guy, but it was hard for me to understand the inner city slang he was using. Basically, I understood that he was in the county visiting a brother who had moved out from Chicago. The brother was encouraging him to move out before he got shot in the streets.

Tags Family Life, Misadventures, Pets or Pests?

Satire Stories

Sideburns

My best friend, Chuck, and I stood in front of the mirror in the Music building’s Men’s Restroom.

“At the rate these sideburns are growing out, we are going to be out of high school before we get a good set,” I bemoaned.

Tags Growing Up

Satire Stories

Freudian Faux Pas

“Hello. My name is Marty. And your name is. . .”

I leaned forward and squinted to see the name on her identification badge.

“Angus. Nice to meet you, Angus.”

“It’s Agnus, you insulting twit!” she barked as she spun around and walked away.

Tags Growing Up, Misadventures

Satire Stories

The Prophets of Baal

The effectiveness of a good presentation is solely dependent upon the speaker’s ability to hold their audience’s attention. (A guy named Marty.)

I had an opportunity in my 20s to work with youth groups, kids aged kindergarten through 5th grade. This was done in a church setting at vacation Bible schools, junior church, and AWANA kids clubs.

Tags Faith, Growing Up, Misadventures

Satire Stories

ROAD TO HANA- THE SIDECAR MYSTERY

Post author By Marty Mitchell
Post date December 30, 2023
3 Comments on ROAD TO HANA- THE SIDECAR MYSTERY

Cheryl and I have visited four of the Hawaiian islands: Oahu, Kauai, The Big Island, and Maui.

I would rate them as #1 Kauai, #2 The Big Island, #3 Maui, and #4 Oahu. This is based on things that interest me.

Tags Family Life, Misadventures

Satire Stories

To Dream the Impossible Dream

Post author By Marty Mitchell
Post date December 2, 2023
3 Comments on To Dream the Impossible Dream

What does it take to turn a dream into reality?

First, you must believe in yourself and, with a little luck, have others believe in you too.

Tags Family Life, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Hierarchy

To tell you the truth, it wasn’t until my late 20s that I learned the word hierarchy and the medical term pes cavus weren’t the same thing. I should never trust the images in my mind.

Tags Family Life, Pets or Pests?

Satire Stories

The Wedding Mill

Thirty years ago, there was a different mentality about weddings. It seemed that “most” couples preferred to be married in a church. Nowadays, I really can’t remember the last time we had a wedding in our church.

Tags Growing Up, Misadventures

Satire Stories

Cow Tipping

Dairy cow lying stretched out, happy relaxing or sleeping showing belly and udder, lying for dead in the middle of a green meadow

Cow tipping is nothing about slipping a cow a $5.00 bill after a nice fresh glass of milk.

The term Cow Tipping is an urban legend thought to have been started sometime in the 1970s. It involved going out at night and searching the farmlands to find a cow that was sleeping standing up. (This was usually done by inebriated high school, or college age boys.) The legend has it that two or more boys snuck up to a slumbering cow and pushed it from the side causing the cow to topple over onto the ground.

Tags Growing Up, Tributes