Happy B-Day

Dearest Brooklyn,

Gram and I wanted to thank you for letting us use your house while you were away. I hope that we left it as clean and orderly as we found it. All supplies in the kitchen and bathroom were restocked, although I did lose track of a can of bacterial yeast which I purchased for your septic tank. Under no circumstances should you attempt to bake bread using a product called Tri-Zyme, although I guess that either way it will end up in your septic system.

The pictures and paintings on your walls give character to your home and your choice of furniture throughout give it a warm, safe, feeling. You have done well in your creative expression throughout the house.

I found several areas of new technology which took Gram and I several trips to YouTube to figure out. For instance, every time the refrigerator wasn’t closed completely, a bell would start ringing. I don’t know how many times I went to see who was at the front door.

Your entertainment theater room was almost too much for us. Five remotes? At home gram walks to the TV and turns the dial to 4, 5, or 7 and we adjust the rotating antenna. After we figured out how to turn on the TV, the cable box, and the surround sound system, we scanned through your 780 available channels and got interested in the music on the Mexicanal channel. We found that you should only listen in that room, and not participate. We started clapping to the Mexican Hat Dance and every time we clapped twice the lights would go off. The next time we clapped, they would come on again. I tried to find the short in your light switch, but it appears to be fine.

You may notice a slight discoloration on the wall of the master bathroom. Not to worry. It is merely a little moisture which should dry within the week. I would like to point out that for future house guests, you need to do more labeling, thereby cutting down on little accidents such as mine.

You can probably deduce, I was using your toilet. As I was leaning over reading emails from my phone, I noticed a small chrome knob next to the toilet seat. It had lettering on it which said, low, off, high. With all the other technology in the house, I assumed this was the speaker system for Bluetoothing music in the bathroom. Since I was planning on sitting for a while, I brought up the Beatles channel on my phone’s Sirius app and, being slightly hard of hearing, turned the chrome knob to high.

Holy Spruce Goose, Brooklyn! I got pressure washed!

In the first few seconds I yelled something that small children should never hear while at the same time tossing my cell phone across the bathroom. Rising quickly off the seat, the power blast continued at a 45-degree angle from somewhere in the bowl, soaking a straight line up my spine to my neck.

Spinning around to address the water leak, I now had the waterspout shooting directly into my glasses and open mouth . . . so I ducked, which is why the far wall is wet.

That blasted chrome knob must be exactly in the off position to shut off the flow. After spinning the nob from low to high to low several times, I finally slammed the lid down and put my full body weight on it to keep it down while I fumbled for the exact off position.

I am glad that Gram was the only one in the house at the time. When she heard the Joy Ride from Hades commotion she ran upstairs. I was shuffling around with my pants around my ankles looking for towels.

I’m just saying, for the consideration of future guests, if your toilet has a bidet, let people know. Maybe also turn down the water pressure a bit. The doctor says I shouldn’t ride my bike for at least a month.

Thanks again! With love,

Papa and Grandma

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