Listeners

Cheryl and I were sitting in our favorite lounge chairs in the living room. I was busily scanning through Facebook and reading comments on my latest post. Cheryl set her book in her lap and said to me, “I’m making borscht in the crock pot for dinner.”

Without looking up and still playing on my phone I replied, “Uh huh.”

“How was your day today? Did anything happen that was exciting?” she asked.

“That’s nice dear. Only you could do it.”

Now sensing that I was not paying attention she upped the ante. “I’m replacing your Lazy Boy recliner in the TV room with a potted cactus.”

“Yes, they do need sun,” I said and then started giggling at a post comment.

“I had my annual appointment with the doctor. He says I’m pregnant.”

“Well, he would know dear. Wait . . . what?”

God gives to only a few people the gift of listening. Sure, we can all hear or understand by sign or lip reading but most of us can’t absorb or take the time to hear what someone else is saying.

And I don’t know if this is true, but in my experience, men find it more difficult to listen than women. Men often feel awkward listening to another man’s problems and are hesitant to give advice because, after all, it is every man’s responsibility to fend for himself.

Many of both sexes have no time to listen. The schedule of the day is packed so full, we have no extra time to invest in someone else’s life. At best, there is time for a short listen, a quick suggestion, and it’s on to the next problem of the day which requires attention. Really, unless you seek out a Pastor or counselor whose job it is to listen, where else can you go?

As I have travelled through my adult years, I have known some wonderful women who have had the gift of listening and giving counsel. It may be by word of mouth, or by sensing the gift, but hurting people are drawn to them.

I knew a kindhearted woman named Mary who would sit for hours with the hurting, listening to them without judgment. Her ministry was so effective, she reached out to the addicted and troubled youth who found safety and healing in her presence.  As she would stand in front of you at your saddest moment, where you could only stare at the floor, she would stoop down before you and look up into your eyes to let you know that what you were saying was important to her. Who does that? I’ve never seen anyone show such compassion before or since.

My mother, after she was widowed, became a listener to college age students that she met on the campus where she worked. She wasn’t a counselor, she was a tech in the math lab but for some reason, the students found her to be an understanding ear and a mother figure. After classes she would meet with young men and women at the coffee shops around campus. We even had them at our home for coffee chats.

My wife Cheryl is another person who amazes me. Ever since high school, people have asked her why she is different. They are drawn to her. The first time I talked to her as a 20-year-old, I found her to be very open and matter of fact. Other women her age were giggly and shy when asked questions. Cheryl would give a straightforward answer. Because of who she is, she is constantly being sought by other women for counsel either on the phone or in person. Tuesdays, she spends hours on the phone talking to other women and every other Thursday, we have a house full of college age/ young marrieds who come as she leads discussions.

Unfortunately, that is not my gift and people must sense it. That is why when we are out together, I wear a Tee-shirt that is stenciled on front with the words: Don’t ask me, ask her.

What is it that makes a person a good listener? My daughter Kalene has clued me in on the traits:

First, they are safe. People who seek the listener know that they can share their heart and it will stay between the two of them.

Second, a listener is interested in other people and drawing out their story. It is not important for the listener to share their own story or how they can identify using illustrations from their own life.

Third, a listener is not judgmental but is also not afraid to tell the truth which most time is what a person truly wants to hear. A good listener can teach, encourage, rebuke, and guide.

Fourth, a listener for one person might not be a good listener for another. Call it chemistry between two people.

Today I took a long walk through our local park. On the way I passed many couples who were walking and deep in conversation which made me think of how lucky I am to be married to a gifted listener. It also made me a little embarrassed that I don’t try very hard to reciprocate. So here is the moral of this story:

“It is a good thing to find a listener. It is a better thing to learn to be one.”

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