Squirrels

I am standing in the kitchen looking out the window at my garden. There are two Blue Jays on the bird feeder, eight finches hanging from the suet block, two hummingbirds fighting for supremacy at their feeder, a two-point buck and a doe feeding on apples in the orchard, a black cat that hides in the garden hedge and four squirrels on my front porch. I feel like Snow White.

My counselor thinks that I should lose the dress and identify with another Disney character.

Three of the squirrels are black. They are Simon, Theodore, and Alvin. The fourth is gray. His name is Larry. Larry is the brave but dumb one who is easily duped into some scheme thought up by the other three.

We have only had squirrels in our neighborhood for about ten years. Seeing a squirrel back then, like seeing a deer out in the open, was as amazing as spotting a sasquatch. I have seen the squirrels in the backyard burying winter food in the flower beds. This results in oak saplings in the spring, simply because they forgot where they buried dinner. Theodore was also seen in the back field picking windfall apples off the ground to carry to his nest in a stump. The apples were the same size as his head, and he could only make about four hops with the apple in his teeth before he would drop it and swear at it. Theodore has anger issues. Mostly though, the squirrels have stayed at a distance and out of sight.

I decided to place feeders in the garden to attract and view the local and migrating birds. I have a suet block and a hummingbird feeder on the porch. A large red plastic barn filled with wild bird seed hangs in the garden. There are many varieties of birds at the suet and barn feeders during the day and at least two hummingbirds fighting over who is the alpha at their feeder. Birds were all I had planned to attract and feed, but then the cat and squirrels showed up. The cat is here for the birds and the squirrels are here for the bird seed.

I hung the red barn bird feeder from a wooden post under a birch tree. After buying a 40-pound bag of wild bird seed, I poured about three pounds inside, which should have lasted a week. Checking the barn the next morning, I found it to be completely empty and the seed scattered all over the ground. The four squirrels were in the seed, picking out the corn and sunflower seeds and gorging themselves. The small birds were also on the ground eating seed. This was the cat’s cue to jump out of the hedge and pounce on the seed pile with hopes of catching something to eat. Regardless of how the seed was dumped, it cost me three dollars to refill the barn. I noticed that at various times during the day the squirrels would either climb the post or jump down from the birch tree to access the trough on the feeder. They would then hang upside down by their back paws from the barn roof and reach into the barn trough with their front paws to scoop all the seed out and onto the ground. Blast! This would cost me a bundle for seed.

The first plan of action was to go to the feed store and buy a metal flower basket hanger. The idea being that the squirrels couldn’t climb the ¾” rod to get to the suspended feeder. I placed the hanger in the garden away from the birch tree and refilled the barn. The next morning the barn was empty, and the seed was on the ground. Blast! I watched as Simon grabbed the rod with his itsy-bitsy paws and climbed right up to the trough with no problem.

I next went to the shed and found a plastic, long-spouted funnel which I cut down the side the full length. I clipped the funnel upside down around the steel rod thinking that the squirrels would not be able to climb beyond the bell of the funnel. I sat back and watched as they ran across the ground, jumped from some rocks and grabbed the funnel which they then climbed to access the feeder.

Aha, I get it. I will make it so they cannot get close to the hanger rod. I went down the street and cut a large pile of holly which is covered with stickers. I laid the holly around the base of the hanger. Surely squirrels avoid holly stickers. The next morning, the funnel had been slid down the rod to the ground, the barn was empty, and the four squirrels were sitting in the middle of the holly gorging themselves. The cat, though, did refuse to jump into the holly to get them.

Lastly, I asked my sister what she did for squirrels since she has wildlife all over her property. She may have been joking with me, but she said, “Grease the hanger rod.” Hmm. So, I went to the shop and got a handful of axle grease and covered the rod from the ground to the feeder and I waited. The four squirrels came to the hanger. Alvin sniffed the greased rod, looked up at the birds in the freshly filled feeder and jumped up grabbing the rod below the inverted funnel. Slowly he slid back to the ground. He tried a second time with the same results.

It worked! I outfoxed the little pests!

Simon, Theodore, Alvin, and Larry sat on the ground staring up at the feeder, conferring amongst themselves. I don’t know if Larry suggested the plan or if the other three suckered him into it, but he appeared to leave.  The other three black squirrels formed a tight huddle under the feeder. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Larry turn from the other side of the garden and scamper as fast as he could go toward the feeder. At the rock perimeter around the garden, he took a bounding leap off one of the larger rocks and landed in the center of the squirrel huddle. Simon, Theodore, and Alvin then jumped sending Larry up into the air where he caught the feeder trough. He then climbed onto the barn roof, hung upside down by his back paws and emptied the seed out of the barn.

Squirrels.  Nothing more than furry tailed rats.

“You’re not going to believe what those squirrels did now,” I yelled to Cheryl. “I’m getting my 22 handgun with birdshot and I’m going to shoot them!”

“No, you’re not!” she yelled. “Just because you were outsmarted by some squirrels doesn’t mean you can shoot them. Besides, they’re cute!”

After thirty minutes of grumbling and pouting I realized she did have a point. We put up the feeders to attract wildlife — all wildlife. If you cannot beat them, join them.

I built a squirrel feeder which hangs from a rope. I fill it with corn and sunflower seeds and pull it up into the birch tree. If I keep it full, the squirrels leave the bird feeders alone. As I mentioned, of all the squirrels, Larry is the bravest. I can sit on the porch, put a peanut on my shoe, and he will cautiously come up and take it. I have been working hard to gain his trust to see if he would take peanuts from my hand. Sitting on the porch with four peanuts in the shells in my open palmed hand, I had my hand just off the floor. Very cautiously, Larry climbed up on the porch eyeing the peanuts I was offering and slowly crept over to my palm. Watching me for any sudden movements, he reached out, grabbed and bit, missing a peanut completely but instead getting the tip of my middle finger. We were both a little shocked as I yelped and flipped my hand sending the squirrel out into the rock garden. The trust being lost, we are now back to square one with squirrel training.

Nowadays, I stand in the kitchen looking out the window at my garden. There are Blue Jays on the bird feeder, finches hanging from the suet block, hummingbirds fighting for their feeder, a two-point buck, a doe, and a fawn, eating apples in the orchard, a black cat that is hiding in the garden hedge and four squirrels arguing over who is the Alpha in my birch tree feeder. I still feel like Snow White.

Somethings are hard to give up.

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