Tag: Snips

Dewey

Audio Version by Author

I have long suspected that we have ghosts in our house. The original structure was built in 1890 so it has a lot of history. One night during the time we were giving it a complete renovation, I was upstairs pulling ship lap boards off the walls and tossing them through a hole to a pile outside. It was 10:00 pm and there was no light except my one bulb shop light, although I was there by myself I could hear children’s voices and I stopped several times to shine the light around the empty house to see if I could find the source. Later one of my young step-sons told me he was afraid of the lamp beside his bed because a face would appear in the lampshade.

Tags Family Life, Snips

Satire Stories

Extended Face Kit

Audio Version by Author

Say guys, are you tired of sweltering hot days where the perspiration running off your head ruins that freshly permed $56.00 haircut? Tired of having sweat stains in your Grecian Formula leaving you looking like a leopard? Do what I did. I got the Extended Face Kit which includes extensions all the way to the back of my shoulders.

Tags Getting Older, Snips

Satire Stories

Elderly, Who’s Elderly?

Audio Version by Author

I was standing in line at the movie theater waiting to buy a ticket when I heard two twenty-somethings making comments about a slowpoke elderly man. They couldn’t mean me. There has got to be someone else in this line who is older than me. I will just casually turn around and see who they are talking about.

Nuts! It was me.

Tags Getting Older, Snips

Satire Stories

Noses and Toeses

Audio Version by ElevenLabs.io.

It must have been close to eleven o clock. I was in bed drifting in and out of sleep when I heard the bedroom door pop open. I felt the covers move and the bed settle.

Tags Family Life, Snips

Satire Stories

Dance of the High Seas

Four men stood facing the wall shoulder to shoulder. They looked very unsure of themselves. Two others had decided to sit this dance out. It was called the Line Dance on the High Seas.

Tags Snips

Satire Stories

The Wish List

When my wife was away I took it upon myself to snoop in her private file cabinet. Going past the files on nutritional eating, aerobics, and personal training, I came across a file named “Wish List.” This piqued my curiosity and upon thumbing through various photos torn from the pages of Better Homes and Gardens, I came across a list, hand-written on a page of notebook paper. It looked like her criteria for a husband.

Tags Getting Older, Snips

Inspirational Stories

Choices

Isaac Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I have been known to be a grouch at times, maybe even a curmudgeon or as my kids likes to call me, Debbie Downer. I tend to pessimistically see the glass as half empty.

Tags Getting Older, Snips

Satire Stories

The Duffer

My wife says I drive a duffer car. It’s a 2005 Hyundai XG350 which I bought from my stepdad and it’s not at all sporty like the cars young kids drive but who cares, I’m 65. I think she just gets cranky when she follows me in her sporty Prius C and the whole way I am driving 5 mph under the speed limit with my left turn signal on.

Tags Getting Older, Snips

Satire Stories

Patent Idea #295- Reject

This was the scene last Saturday morning. I was lying in the middle of the Guide Meridian, motorcycle helmet and protective coveralls on. Slowly I was able to get up on my hands and knees and crawl back over to the side walk.

Tags Snips

Satire Stories

Things Never to Do: #1 & #2

Post author By Marty Mitchell
Post date August 19, 2020
No Comments on Things Never to Do: #1 & #2

Never, never, ever use Rogaine ™ that has gone beyond its expiration date.

Ah nuts!

Tags Misadventures, Snips

Satire Stories

Chair Lifts

Snow skiing ranks quite high on my list of humiliations and though, through the years I have impressed others with an innate ability to humiliate myself continuously on the ski slopes, last year’s little incident which I call, “the getting to know you ride,” sums up my life on the slopes.

Tags Misadventures, Snips

Satire Stories

The Fallout Team

Actually the idea should have worked. The premise was this: “The Fall Out Team”, namely Neutron (me), Atom (Myron Voth), Proton (John Zylstra), and Electron (Rex Ely) were highlighted as possibly showing up at a high school rally of 800 kids in the Seattle area.

Tags Growing Up, Misadventures, Snips

Satire Stories

Circus Boy

When moms have their first born child they tend to want to try out every thing they learned in High School home economics class. In my case, how to sew a circus jacket. All I really wanted to do was to run around the yard and chase the cat with a stick. So we struck up a bargain; if she could sew me suits, I could chase that cat around the yard with a stick. This agreement continued up until I graduated from high school.

Tags Growing Up, Snips

Satire Stories

The Hawk and the Toupee

And so you see, this is what happens when you are singing, “The hills are alive with the sound of music” and a hawk swoops down and grabs your toupee.

Tags Snips

Satire Stories

The Lineage

Being intrigued by the constant barrage of late night TV ads which challenge you to find your lineage, I signed up with Ancestory.com and traced my family back to medieval times in ancient Britain. Knowing for sure that I must be a descendant of King Arthur or Sir Lancelot, I was sorely disappointed to learn that my oldest relative on record was an extremely colorblind and nearsighted foot soldier named Larry who accidentally chopped up seven of his own fellow warriors in battle before being reminded that the Vikings were the ones coming to shore from off of the boats. O well. He wasn’t a bad looking dude though.

Tags Snips