Crossing the Line

I wasn’t aware that this day would come. It wasn’t on my radar as something to watch out for, but it happened. I crossed the line. Today I had my annual wellness physical and was given the Medicare Well Visit Questionnaire to fill out.

The questions to be answered made me realize that, ‘This is it partner. You’re on the back side of life. Better realign your mind’s eye with your body clock.’

This is the first year the receptionist has handed me the questionnaire to fill out and it makes me wonder; did she give it to me because of my age or because of the way I looked when I walked through the doors. I knew they would get the wrong impression when that Girl Scout held the door open for me.

I scanned the single page white sheet, snarfed once and then said to the receptionist, “I was born in 1955, not 1945. Cripes!”

“That’s fine sir. Everyone who remembers the Mickey Mouse Club with Annette Funicello must answer the questions. Please take a seat and fill it out.”

I snarfed once again and took a seat.

Okay, let’s whip through this and get it over with. There was an irritating toddler crying in the chair next to me so I shut off my hearing aids so I could think. Then, noting that the paper in my hands was now too blurry to read, I pulled the pince-nez glasses from my shirt pocket and placed them on my nose.

Health Assessment:

Does your health limit your desired activities? No, my wife does.

Do you have trouble taking medications as prescribed? I’m not sure if it’s prescribed, but somehow my wife hides thirteen pills inside a banana so I can swallow them.

During the past month, how much bodily pain have you generally had? I went to my granddaughters sixth grade Winter String Concert.

Hearing Impairment:

Do you have a hearing problem? When my hearing aids are on or off?

Activities of Daily Living: Are you able to do these activities without help?

Bathing: I get a rash using the lavender bath bomb.

Dressing: My wife tells me what to wear.

Toileting: My legs go to sleep after a half hour on the toilet looking at Facebook.

Fall Information:

A fall in the past two months? I believe Fall was three months ago.

Are you afraid of falling? Not as much as the landing.

Balance:

Are there difficulties with balance or lightheadedness or dizziness with position changes? I was voted president of the HOA and nearly passed out.

Have you experienced blackouts? We lost power for 18 hours last month during the northeaster.

Incontinence Screen:

Are you affected by incontinence? The definition of continence is your facial expression. My wife says that mine scares people. I’m going with a “yes” on this one.

“Mr. Mitchell, the doctor will see you now. You can finish the questionnaire when you are through.”

I follow the nurse into the examination room where I meet the doctor.

“Well Marty, just looking at your current stats, your weight went from 210 last year to 220 today. Your cholesterol medicine is keeping your blood from looking like sour cream. Your blood pressure medication is keeping your numbers between 119 and 160. How many Big Macs are you eating a day? You are pre-diabetic, and I am scheduling you for a colonoscopy in April. Have a good day and we’ll see you next year if you make it.”

Depression Screening:

Have you ever been bothered by the following problems? Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless.

Well now I am.

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